Spinning Plates

I've spent a lot of the last couple of weeks working on developing my professional portfolio site.
It's not on neocities - it feels like it needed somewhere "cleaner" to host it, so I ended up going with Netlify's free service, as I could get both decent storage and a custom domain attached without selling my soul for yet another subscription fee in this day and age.

Prior to this, my professional site has been hosted by Wix, with all the awkward impreciseness and bloated code that entailed. I've never quite loved the WYSIWYG style drag-and-drop editor for the platform, although I understand how it can feel like a necessity for many in this day and age. The final nail in the coffin for me hosting on Wix was loggin in to discover that I couldn't change or upload any new images (to an art portfolio) until I'd reduced my content down to below a new and unannounced storage limit, which would have meant deleting more than half of the content I had uploaded. Not ideal. And as I was already considering rebuilding anyway-

I feel as though I am spinning a lot of plates right now. I need to find a job - but is it in the industry I've trained for? Something similar? Or something else entirely?

The animation industry feels pretty rocky right now - especially if you're after a job actually working on the animating part of animation. Most tv shows these days are outsourced to overseas studios once pre-production is done. It feels like a farce to keep trying to convince myself otherwise.
Sure, I can send prospective applications to smaller studios, but that's not exactly a concrete plan. So in the meanwhile, I guess I'm looking at other roles I can fill.

I have a small amount of experience with a lot of things, but I'm second-guessing all of them.

I can edit video content - but I don't know how to show that as a portfolio.
I can design characters - but I don't have enough examples in animatable styles.
I can edit sound - but I have no training and I'm guessing my way through Adobe Audition.
I can do graphic design - but I don't know industry standards for design.
I can code well enough in HTML and JS to frankenstein a site together - but I don't care for the newer, flashy design principles used in professional settings.
I can write creative fiction and non-fiction to a good standard - but I have no portfolio.
I can edit other people's writing - but I have no portfolio.

I am a creative industry Jack of All Trades, Master of None.

The thing is, I know I would get on with a lot of jobs like a house on fire, but I get intimidated by the rules and expectations that I don't yet know. As an autistic person, I've spent a lot of my life breaking rules that I didn't know existed, yet was meant to understand intuitively. So I think I self-sabotage. If I delay something long enough that the dealine passes, I never have to face being rejected by it.

There's one job ad that I've really got my eye on. It's a local charity, looking for a design lead with experience in graphic design, social media management and web design. Bonus points for video editing and events planning. I've got decent experience in all of those, if not all recently. It sounds... perfectly up my alley. The application is due Monday at midday.
And I'm here. Writing this. Instead of a cover letter.

I will get it done and written and sent in and so on. But I am avoiding it. Because if I fall at the very first hurdle - I don't send anything in - then the failure will have been under my control. I won't have to lose out on an opportunity that I am genuinely, really excited about because of someone else's decision that I never get to have explained.

Alternatively - I'm bargaining with myself. "If I just make sure this is right, I'll get the job."
If I finish the Design Work page of my portfolio, I'll get the job.
If I craft the perfect cover letter, I'll get the job.
If I do all the steps of the dance just right, just so, I'll get the job.
But I get stuck in a loop.
If it's not perfect, why bother?
If it's not perfect, I won't succeed.
If it's not perfect, there is no point in trying.

BUT.

That is a Losing Mentality.

If a job is worthy doing, then it is worth actually doing.
If you can't whole-ass it, then half-ass it. Or quarter-ass it. Whatever fraction of an ass you can manage. It will be worth it.

I suppose what I am saying here is that you must try. Practise Makes Progress.

I suppose what I am really saying here is that I get stuck in my head a lot.

The cycles are self-destructive but sometimes you just have to reach out a hand and hope you can grab something that, even just for a moment, can stop the spinning.

You don't have to put the plates away forever, but it's okay to focus on just the one for now.